Almost

We are almost to the end.  Still it feels like it will never come.  No matter how many times I have done this, the last month is always the hardest.  I am so ready for him to be home and for us to be a family again.  For once, I finally feel like we have a good routine going.  I don't feel like we are rushed to get out the door in the morning.  Kids get homework done nicely and to bed on time.  The week days run like clockwork and it is nice.  Still his presence is missing.  When we sit down for dinner as a family the table is unbalanced.  I miss his laughter in the evenings.  I wish I had an extra body to be divided for soccer games and activities.  It will be nice to have someone else do the dishes for a change.  I so can't wait till his is home. 

At the same time, I am nervous about how things will change.  He never comes home at the same time.  Work can be anywhere from a normal day to a twelve hour shift.  He is coming home for a week and then leaving again.   How is that going to change our routine?  How are the kids going to handle it?  Can we work around it just as efficiently?  Can I manage getting everyone out the door in the morning with him getting ready?  I know we will find our new balance and it will take time.  I just hope he is patient with me during that transition and I am just as patient. 

School

The lazy summer days have come to a screeching halt and the kids are back to school.  The craziness has returned stronger than before.   I know that I say that every year but this year is different.  I have been babied and up to this year, the kids have always had different schedules and I have managed to not have to get them out the door at the same time.   This year, their buses come within 5 minutes of each other.  I am so not a morning person and the thought of getting the kids ready to go and out the door in 45 min was scary.  Two weeks into it, we have been ready every morning with time to spare.  Let's hope the rest of the year goes this good. 

After school, it is non-stop with homework, soccer, scouts, games, and everything else in life.  It seems like from the time they step off the bus till they go to bed there is never a dull moment.  Those moments remind me of what I love about being a mom.  It is a craziness but I enjoy most every moment of it.  It is the hours between when they get on the bus and when they get off that I seem to be struggling with.  I can't think of a time in my life when I haven't had a defined role or job, till now.  Now that I have finished school, I don't know what to do during the day.  I have longed for the day I was done and could work on all those projects I haven't had time to get to.  That has been good but I still feel like part of me is missing.  I am completely lost.  It isn't really something I expected.  I think in the back of my mind there is a fear of what if this is all?  Can I be happy just being a stay-at-home mom?  I am hoping this is just a phase and I can move on. 

9/11

It has been 10 years since the world changed.  Today, I was watching a 9/11 special and there was a line that struck me.  The narrator said, I think we have forgotten about those who have to go on without those that were lost.  I agree with the statement completely but I also think in some ways we forget about those who sacrifice their life every day since then. 

I remember asking my husband that night 10 years ago what he thought how things were going to change.  At that moment, I don't think either one of us thought that we would still be fighting a war that in some ways has no end.  In the beginning, I had a hope that this fight would be similar to the invasion in 91.  After a few years, I began to accept the idea that this is what our life is going to be.  We will never go back to a "normal" life.  I can't tell you how things would have been if it hadn't happened.  I do know that it has taken him away from us more times than I can count.  As much as I think we have had it rough, I know it has hit others harder.  It has made me appreciate every day we have with him. 

A couple weeks ago, our oldest asked if I could explain to her what happened on 9/11 when she was ready.  Honestly, I have put off telling her.  She asked and I need to answer her.  But I don't know what all to tell her.  I don't want to scare her but how do I help her understand?  In years to come, she will put the pieces together of why her dad is gone.  The meantime, I want to keep them shielded as much as possible.  They need to be kids.  They don't need to worry about what has happened or things they can't control.  I don't want her to worry every time he leaves or make her fearful of everyday things. I pray I have the wisdom to answer her in an appropriate way and she comes to us for her questions in the future. 

10 years later, I still pray that he comes home safely.  I will never forget what happened that day, where I was, what happened in the days that followed, or how our lives have changed since.