Struggles and Joys

The struggles...
One thing I love about our neighborhood, as long as it isn't pouring down rain, you will find the kids outside playing. We spend our evenings playing basketball, riding bikes and scooters, hula hoops, water gun fights, and anything that involves being active. The moms talk. The kids play. The dads relive their childhood days and try to outdo each other. We take up driveways, sidewalks, yards, and the street. There is tons of laughter and good times. Last night, we played outside like we have done so many times. Those are the moments I miss him the most. Last summer, he got the kids hooked on remote control airplanes and helicopters. They all wanted to know what he was building next and what he was flying. The loved to watch him and in turn he loved to "show off" for them. The laughter and good times are still there but the airplanes and helicopters aren't. The background noise is a little quieter. I miss watching him light up when the kids ask him questions about the airplanes. I miss watching him show the kids tricks. I miss his laughter on those lazy summer nights.

The joys...
Ok, so Skype doesn't work the way it does on Army Wives. Maybe it is because my husband isn't a General or maybe it is because that is the joys of tv. None the less Skype keeps us closer. I love watching the kids show off for him. They are just goofy. I love watching him laugh at them. We can see him and he can see us. It isn't perfect but it is better than it could be. Technology has changed come along way since we started our Air Force journey. It has helped us stay close and share our lives with him even when he is gone.

There once was a boy

He writes: So

I write: So....

There once was a boy who was lonely
He sat in his room and ate bologna

They shipped him half way across the world
To stare at a screen with a nerdold

He longed for some company
Instead he got frumpy

Each day he would wake to the dirt
It would stick to him so he couldn't flirt

Each night he tried to wash it away
Quickly it turned into clay

There once was a boy who was lonely
He sat in his room and ate bologna


I hope this lonely boy know how much we love him and miss him.

Goals

For me, I think it is a coping mechanism but I have to have goals while he is gone. My way of looking beyond him being gone and keeping me focused on something else. Each deployment, I pick one big "project" that I want to accomplish during that time. It pushes me to finish it before he returns so I can show him. This deployment, my goal is to finish my BS. I started it several years ago as a result of a deployment. During that time, I realized that in order to keep me sane, I had to do something for me. Yes, it took time and money away from my family but at the same time it gave me so much more. It made me a better mom and wife. I learned to let the little things slide and realized what was important in my life. I learned that I was so more capable of things than I ever thought was possible. I learned how to push myself, prioritize things, and persistence. I am glad that I learned to push through things and not let the bumps in Air Force life derail me from my goals and dreams. Yes, I would finish regardless if he was home or not. So I am not sure it makes for a great goal for this deployment. I guess I am still searching for that one big goal then.

Oh, the joys of doing his laundry...

Now, I just get to look forward to picking out all the little tags of his clothes from the stellar laundry service.

Flat Daddy

Yes, it is official, I HAVE LOST MY MIND. I have spent the last 10 years saying, "I wish he was here for...". I don't want him to miss a moment of our lives. Unfortunately, the Air Force thinks otherwise. The moment our first child was born, I vowed not to change what we did regardless if he was home or not. So we move on in his absence.

I wanted this deployment to be different though. I wanted him to be as connected as possible. I wanted the kids to have a way to express in their words what we did. I wanted it to be fun, something we could look back on and laugh about our memories. And the idea of flat daddy was born. I printed off an 8x10 copy, cut it out, and laminated him. Whenever we go some where the kids can take their picture with "him". We have made a scrapbook of our adventures. Each kid is responsible for their own page of their pictures. In the end, my hope is to have a chronicle of our adventures for him to keep.

Adjustment Period

It is just a phase, an adjustment period. Eventually, we will get into the groove of things. I honestly didn’t think much about him leaving. Don’t get me wrong, I was scared and nervous but we have been through this before. This isn’t the first time and we have done this long before. He comes and goes so frequently I just thought it would take a while for it to hit us all. I was NOT prepared for the immediate reaction. Not even an hour after his departure our oldest is arguing with me on how many times she had to write her spelling words. The number hasn’t changed all year. That night though, the simple request of writing out her spelling words took an hour and lots of tears. I wanted to cry with her but I had to be strong for them. The last couple days have been rocky. I feel like I have spent every hour in the bathroom. There is a pit in my stomach. Tears have been shed over nothing. One kid won’t eat. I am emotionally and physically drained for no real reason.

Tomorrow is a new day and we will find our new “normal”. It is just a phase, an adjustment period.

Anger

I logged onto facebook this morning and was bombarded with post after post of people who are mad about the possibility of a government shut-down. The way the current law is written, military individuals’ pay will be suspended until the government is up and running again. I thought for a brief moment about joining “the fight” and getting in the midst of the angry posts. Then I took a step back and looked at my life. Why lash out at that right now? I have a lot of things I can be mad at this week: my husband leaving, not getting into my internship, a final project that I totally screwed up, him missing yet another birthday, having to go to work at 6 am on a Sat morning. Some things are major, the will forever change the course of my life. I wasn’t accepted into an internship, the possibility of being an RD is in the balance. I don’t know exactly where my career will go from here. I am not sure if I can recover the screwed up assignment, there is a possibility she won’t let me “fix it” and I can fail. And some issues are small. The dishes will get done, the house will get cleaned, I can live with a little less sleep. I have learned how to control my anger. I have learned how to turn that frustration into possibilities and options. There are very few things in my life I have been handed to me. There are days I feel like I have fought for everything I have. The fight has given me drive and determination. Without that fight, I am afraid I would crumble. Without that fight, this deployment could mean six months of a dark depression. Instead, I know that I will take this time to open more doors and accomplish things I wouldn’t have done if he was here. I will move on and make the most of the situation. I am not going to lash out and be angry at something I have no control over.

Saying good-bye

Deep inside I believe that all military wives have a common bond, something that you can only understand if you been our shoes. There is a strength that comes from those unique experiences that will forever bond those who have stood by our side. I also believe that pilot’s wives are a different section of the bigger group that makes us unique. I can’t even begin, nor would I want to, count the number of times I have said good-bye to my husband. The number of time he has walk out the door with only a vague idea of when he may return. For some reason though, the word “deployment” brings bigger fears, no matter how long that deployment may be, that makes him leaving hard to swallow.

Last night, I watched my husband pull away for his fifth deployment in our ten years of marriage. My heart broke as I knew the challenges of being single parent meant. I watched as our kids played care-free with their friends. Part of me wanted to scream at them for “not caring” that their dad just left. The other part of me marveled at how simple being a child is. I wanted to keep their innocence, protect them from the world, hold on to those moments and pretend that nothing has changed. But everything has changed, I carry the burden of being both mom and dad, take care of everything this thrown our way, pray that we make it through the next six months without any major incidents. I pray I have the strength to handle what is to come, the wisdom to answer my kids’ tough questions, the patience that being a single parent requires.

Deep inside I know that each deployment brings us closer. I know that I couldn’t be who I am today without this experience. It has shaped me into a stronger mom, a more loving wife, and giving me an appreciation for my husband that I couldn’t have gotten with him home every day. I cherish the little moments we have together more than I ever thought was possible. I count the days he is gone and still get excited when he comes home.