Root Canal

Nope, I didn't find my patience in the dentist office today.

Instead, I found my anxiety level was much higher than I thought it was. We will ignore the fact that I cried through the whole procedure. My mouth wouldn't go numb and I had this fear of extreme pain. (I have felt them drill out fillings before.) Eventually, it went numb and I didn't feel a thing. I guess, if it makes me feel better he did say that when he opened up the tooth it oozed out. He could only imagine how painful it has been. He tried to keep referring to it as a flight by saying things like "we have reached the cruising altitude of 34,000 feet and baggage claim can be found on your left." It might have been funny if I wasn't married to a pilot. Now, what do I get to look forward to? The healing process which it is normal to experience pain for "up to 10 days." I am so excited!! Then, the follow-up appointment to do the crown.

Memorial Day

This year Memorial Day celebrations were a little different. It started last week, with our youngest. She was selected to present the wreath for her school in the base's wreath ceremony. The ceremony last about two hours and was hotter than we all expected (for a morning event). After 3 service members passed out during it, I wasn't sure how she would hold up. Her instructions were simply to watch the other people and do the same thing. After over 40 wreaths, it was her turn and she did fantastic! As I parent, I was proud of her. Not only did she represent her school but the military itself.

Next, we joined hundreds of other scouts and their families to lay over 36,000 flags in the state's veteran's cemetery. It was such a moving experience. After the horns was blown and we could start, it was a matter of moments and you could look up and there was a see if flags. It was touching to watch such young kids thank those for their service. The lady who wiped away the headstone and started to cry. The living veterans who walked among those who have fallen. Our oldest who sang I am proud to be an American on the way back to the car.

We did the MIA and KIA walk/run to start off the weekend. I couldn't even begin to explain that one to the kids and was thankful they didn't ask. I don't want them to worry. I also know, they are reaching the age where they are starting to understand it is more than dad is gone. After, we attended a look parade and I would have to say, surprisingly, I think the first parade I have taken them to. It was fun to end on a positive note.

Throughout the events, I wished he was here. Words and even pictures don't describe what it was like. It was hard to be the one who's husband wasn't there. To answer their questions but my questions were left unanswered. He is the one I asked my silly questions to during events. Like why, do they do a certain thing during military events or why does every one in this section of the cemetery have the same end date? Maybe, next year he will be home for it.

At the beginning of the events, I explain to the kids what Memorial Day means. I simply said, it is to honor those who have fought for our country and lost our lives. Our youngest looked at me and said, it is just army guys though, right? It was hard to respond and tell her, no it is all branches. She looked at me and said, oh.

My patience is gone

I have lost my patience. It has been slowly leaving for the last couple days. The weather has gone from cool and rainy to hot and muggy in a matter of 24 hours. The last week has been incredibly busy. I wonder how I ever fit school into my schedule. I am freaking out that classes start back up in a week and I haven't even began to scratch the surface of what I wanted to accomplish in those 3 weeks. I still haven't managed to get the house clean yet or finished my service hours project for school so I finish my degree. But I believe what was remaining was lost somewhere between the nagging complaint that I hadn't bought ice cream sandwiches for school yet (for Tuesday) and a simple message from my husband. We had been texting each other for about 30 minutes where I explained my agenda for the day. I didn't return a message since I was at the kids' school playing mom and dad at Parent's Day. The next message said something about ignoring him. No, I wasn't. I was trying the best I could to be everywhere I needed to be today.

I feel guilty that I am unable to give him my undivided attention at some point during the day. I feel like our schedules don't mesh but I can't help but wonder if there is a "perfect" or even good part of my day that I can drop everything and devote it to him. I am blessed that we do get the chance to talk to each other in some form daily but it is still hard to make it all work. I know that I haven't shown his as much attention in the last couple days as I should. I feel pulled in a million directions and completely drained. Maybe, I will find my lost patience in the dentist office during the root canal.

Miss You

It has been 7 weeks since we said good-bye. We have hit that mark that separates a normal TDY from a deployment. I guess you could say we have settled into our new routine. However, no matter how long he is gone, I never get use to it. I miss waking up to him in the morning. I miss our lunch dates. I miss laughing with him. I miss having him just there to help. Sometimes, I feel like nothing has changed. Then there are those moments that I wonder how I can make it all work. Something as simple as a missing ingredient for dinner means loading everyone up and heading to the store for that one item. I can’t just call him and have him pick it up on his way home. Then there is the big things, like what am I going to do when I finally have this root canal done? There is no more, wait till dad gets home and he can take care of it. It is just me. I feel like a piece of me is missing. I have great friends who help fill the void. It isn’t the same as having him here but I forever grateful for their friendship. I have heard time and time again that it is harder to be the one who is left behind. I believe that there is some truth to that statement. It is hard to go on without him being here. At the same time, I believe that it is almost harder to be the one who leaves. Everything about his normal routine has been interrupted. Home cooked meals are a thing of the past. Then there is a different country and climate to get use to. As much as I don’t get a break from always being the only one, he doesn’t get a break from the continuous work and everything that being there entails. I can’t say that I have it any harder than he does. Each situation is unique. I know he misses us and being home. We miss him too.

Moms don't get sick

Mom's don't get sick. They just don't. They have super powers to protect them so they are always there when you need them. Pregnancies aside, last time I was throwing up sick, I was 13. That was until yesterday... I am still not exactly sure what happened. Was it the long walk/run in the morning? Was I just completely dehydrated? Did I just not eat enough before we headed out in the morning? Had my super powers finally ran out? It started with a headache that felt like it was going to turn into a migraine. By the time we got to lunch, I was shaking. I tried to eat a few bites and that didn't help. I got back in the car (so glad I wasn't driving) and prayed I would be able to make it home. Came close but no such luck. To make matters worse it was pouring down raining. The kids were due home in an hour and there was no way I could meet them at the bus. Thankfully, I have some awesome neighbors that I couldn't live without. And last night I needed them. Yes, the kids could have fended for themselves and been just fine. But the house wouldn't have been quiet. I probably wouldn't have slept. And who knows I might still be on the couch today. Instead I woke to a quiet house, cold ginger ale in the fridge, and saltine crackers on the counter. It was the test of a true friendship and I am glad to say they passed. Thank you!

Happy Monday

Today was my first day of really nothing pressing that needed to be done and no kids around. I finished classes up at then end of the week last week. And today I discovered that I make a really bad stay-at-home mom. Ok, I confess I knew that a while ago but today was confirmation of that. I had great intentions, I really did, they just didn't play out. You have seen the Vegas commercial where they guy steps out of his room to get something and ends up locked out of his room. On the way to get a new key he gets side tracked and ends up being gone the entire day only to get back to his room to discover he still didn't have a key. Yep, it was that kind of day.
Completely out of everything in the house, I needed to go to the commissary. I couldn't even try to make a haphazard lunch for the kids, so they ended up with hot lunch. That was my goal for the day. After I got the kids on the bus I took a walk, showered, ended up taking a nap, played a round of Wheel of Fortune on the DS, and finally got a round to making my list and headed off. On the way I wanted to check the availability at the spa. To my luck they had an opening so I spent the next hour relaxing with some hot stones. Now, the kids were to be home in an hour so back home I went still having nothing to eat in the house. Again, I could have been productive in the last 45 min but nope, I laid on the couch and read a book.
We ended up going after we had dinner (I froze some meals the week after he left). And to my surprise the kids were well behaved through the entire trip. We even manage to get everyone in bed on time and homework done. My husband has said from the beginning that he didn't care if I worked after I finished my degree. After today, I am sure he may change his mind. I am much more productive when I have lots going on.

Help!! I have fallen and I can't get up

If you don't see me at the bus stop in the morning it is because I am stuck to the every growing clear goo that was once my kitchen floor or I have tripped over the mound of toys in the living room and hit my head on the fireplace. I am in no way a neat freak but the clutter and mess is beyond out of control. I hope I can hold on 4 more days.

Sometimes, I ask why is he never home when my life is the most stressful? Finals week: 5 tests, 1 power point presentation, 1 lab write up, 4 evaluations, and 1 website update in 5 days. Then there is gymnastics, school book fair, a "family" project, spelling test, field trip, and I am sure I am forgetting something. When I went back to school one of my goals was to give my kids a strong role model for a mother, to teach them perseverance, to show them how to go for your dreams. Then there are moments like this, I wonder if they are learning anything or if they can understand the bigger picture of my life. I wonder if all they see is that the dishes get done when we are out of clean ones? Or am I teaching them procrastination because I waited to the last minute to do the family project. They have had a month to do it but there hasn't been a free moment in my life to help them with it. Do they see that I got five hours of sleep because I spent the day with them instead of working on a case study? That my sacrifice was to give them a better mom?

One of the projects that came home from school last week was titled, Favorites of My Mom, the end said:
Her favorite color is green.
Her favorite food is salad.
She likes to work on the computer.

Not always, but I am sure that is all they see at times.

A great mom!

Wake up sleepy head, it's time to get ready to go for the day

Don't worry, you've raised kids capable of getting breakfast without too much delay

You make them lunches with love instead of pawning them off on a lunchlady mess

With care, you make sure they even leave the house dressed (...appropriately....usually....)

Throughout the day you clean up the devastation that never ends

Then there's gymnamstics, and girl scouts, and neighborhood friends

Treats to the class, reading books everyone likes,

And who's to buy food, and dresses, and bikes?!?!

Sometimes you have to be both

unwielding and understanding, loving and fair,

the mom AND the dad when dad's not there.

and you do all of this and still make up their hair!

College classes and getting new glasses

Keeping them growing smart, healthy, and fit

If there's something you're missing, I can't find it.

You listen without judging, you really do care

Someone to talk to from no matter where

Yes, roses are red, and violets are blue,

but I don' t know where we'd be without all you do

You truely make our day, you form the bedrock of our family

You never give up, you always give back,

Our hearts are all yours, and yours is all ours,

You're the greatest mom in the world!!!

Love you kiddo,

Happy Mothers Day from a long ways away!

The note

There was an argument about cleaning their room and no, saying that you miss your Dad does not get you out of cleaning, I woke up yesterday morning to this note:

Dear Mom,

I know that it's that your by yourself and Dad's not with you. I know we have to listen to you a lot. I know that your trying to be nice. I know that it is hard Mom. I know that we miss Dad. Well I think I miss Dad the most. It's not really fun. We love you a lot. I love Dad.

Love,
your child