Irene

Maybe, it was watching Hurricane Katrina but I was a little worried about the Irene moving through our neck of the woods.  Coming from tornado country, I thought it would be something like an extended tornado with lightening, thunder, rain, and lots of wind.  I was expecting to lose trees behind our house, water in the streets, and a chaotic night.  Reality was far different.  That morning we woke up and the neighborhood had an eerie quietness.  All the outdoor furniture and vehicles had been put away.  Some people had left and others were inside.  The weather was calm and the sky was a flat gray.  As the rain started to fall we sent all the kids outside and let them burn off the pent-up energy.  They laughed, splashed, took pictures, and had a fun hour.  The innocence of child was seen in their eyes.  They had a vague idea of what was headed our way but for time being they were just kids playing in the rain.  After much debate on what exactly to do we decided to bunk with a neighbor just in case.  I was prepared for them to be scared and not wanting to go to bed instead they laid down easily and didn't even mention the storm. 

The rest of the night was a mixture of events.  I couldn't help but wonder how technology and the way we viewed life had drastically changed in the last few years.  We had the weather radio on but the majority of our information on the storm and what was happening was pulled from our the internet on our phones and facebook.  When the other half woke up he was able to give us a better update from his computer through text messages.  Knowing that he was a short message away helped to keep me calm.  Eventually, we nodded off to be awoken when the electricity flickered back on for a few minutes.  After checking on everything and the kids we settled back down till dawn. 

The next morning, the eye had moved through and for a while it was calm outside.  The kids went back out to play and we surveyed the lack of damage.  The power was still out but other than that we were fine and things couldn't have gone better.  Later that day, the tail of the hurricane moved through and the wind blew all day but the rain had stopped.  The kids were wild and I was exhausted.  I don't think it was the lack of power as more a desire to get back to everyday life.  I woke up the next morning and manage to shower in the dark.  To get out of the house and eat a real meal we spent the day at the zoo.  The distraction was great and we came home to power. 

In the end, we survived hurricane Irene.  I thing it provided some laughs for years to come and hopefully a positive memory for the kids. 

Prepared

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.  I have spent so much of the last eleven years preparing for something whether it was the birth of my children, the next pcs, upcoming school year, or a natural disaster.  Sometimes, I feel like we have been through every one there is.  We have been through tornadoes, earthquakes, volcanoes exploding, typhoons, windstorms, ice storms, and blizzards.  So far, I would say we have been lucky.  The longest we have lost power is about 12 hours.  But nonetheless I still prepare.  Today, I stocked up on some canned food, bought bottled water, and filled up both vehicles.  Tomorrow, I will rearrange the garage to fit all the patio and deck furniture in there.  There is a huge part of me that thinks nothing of the what is looming ahead.  It will probably be way less than I am envisioning.  Still I can't help but wonder, what if it isn't.

I realize this afternoon in the midst of being in a foul mood that I was lonely and nervous about what was to come.  It is one thing to brace for a storm knowing that he is by my side to take care of us.  In so many ways he is my protection.  I always think it is wise to bounce things off another adult.  Two sets of eyes on a problem is always better.  It is another to face it alone.  It won't be the first time but it is still scary.  I feel isolated from reality.  Most of what I have heard has been second hand and I am not sure if it has been twisted or not.  I don't care really about losing power (which will most likely happen) but what if I can't tell him we are ok?  I don't want him to worry and I don't want to lose contact.  Is it better to leave?  Then you battle traffic and finding some place to go.  Not to mention who knows when we will be able to come back and getting back may be more of a fight than it is worth.

I am comforted by the fact currently our neighbors are staying.  I know that we can team up if we need to.  We have survived lots of storms before and this will just be another one.   

Summer

We have about three weeks of summer left and I have to admit I am ready for it to be over.  I don't really wish for the kids to go back to school as much as I wish that we had some structure to the day and a break from each other.  It is currently raining outside (and not just a little rain, the quart mason jars on the back patio are half full) and the kids are parked in front of the tv, not dressed, and eating breakfast out of the bag on the couch and it is mid-morning.  All my parenting instincts tell me I should stop it but what are they to do right now?  How can I complain?  I still haven't gotten dressed.  They aren't fighting and it is some what quiet.

I feel like we have no structure to our day.  When the kids were little, I couldn't understand "those wives" who never fixed dinner when their husbands were gone.  How can you not?  The kids and you have to eat too.  How do you just not sit down and eat a proper meal?  It is part of the daily structure.  And for years, every night I fixed dinner and we have sat down and ate.  This summer has been a different story.  I have cooked way less than normal.  We have had a few proper meals but the majority has been either sandwiches or breakfast food.  When I do cook, I feel like the kids eat less when he is gone or maybe it is because he isn't here to make a dent in what I fix.  We are left then with lots of leftovers that none of us eat.  I LOVE that he eats my leftovers and without him, they just sit in the fridge till I can clean it out.  I try to plan meals around just what we can eat in one meal but that rarely works.  Instead, I find myself not cooking.  Which is sad because I love to cook especially for someone who appreciates a good meal instead of complaining that they don't like pork chops. 

4 Months Down

In some ways it seems like yesterday and others it feels like it has been years.  Another day down means a day closer to him being home. 

I remember after the oldest was born, I would talk to her all the time.  I would give her a running commentary of our life just so I had someone to talk to.  At first, it felt awkward talking to her while people looked at me funny in a store. I knew if I didn't I could go days without talking to anybody.  I longed for the day she could talk back and for a while she filled that void of having another adult present.  Yesterday, I was running errands with the kids.  I realized that I am back to talking to myself.  I talk but they don't have a clue what I said.  I love that they have each other to play with and hang out with, however, they are so consumed with each other that I am not even there.  I feel like the chauffeur of white noise.  There is constant chatter but none directed at me.  Maybe it has been like this for years now.  Maybe they are like this all the time but when he is home, I talk to him and don't realize they are doing it.  Without him, I feel like the majority of what I say to them is stop and don't ____ whatever that blank may be.  It is a lonely feeling. 

FINISHED!!

I am FINISHED!!  I finished up and submitted my final assignment yesterday.  How does it feel?  That is hard to say.  I feel like I should be excited but for some reason, I'm not.  I guess in some ways I feel let down.  I don't know.  It is hard to put into words.  I hate that he isn't here to celebrate with me.  He has been the only one who supported me through the entire process.  He didn't question why, just supported me.  It hasn't been easy.  I feel like I have spent the last four years trying to explain to people why.  It felt like so many people where against me.  I have heard so many times, you are crazy and I don't know why you are doing it.  Well, I am so glad I didn't need their support to do it.  I am proud that I didn't let them stop me.  I am proud that I didn't let deployments, moves, kids, and all the other obstacles stop me.  It could have been easy to give up.

I have been asked so many times in the last couple days, what is next?  I don't know.  I am nervous about what is ahead.  It isn't about the money, it never has been.  But, what if I don't find a job?  Can I be happy just being a mom again?  After going non-stop for so long, the idea of just staying home is appealing.  I worry if that will be enough, especially with the kids in school.  What am I going to do all day that is challenging?   


Right now, I am trying to enjoy the kids and the rest of the summer.