A Veteran

What is a veteran? 

To some, he is a hero. 
To my children, he is a great dad doing his job. 
To me, he is my best friend. 

I am proud of the man he has become.  Thank you for not only providing for and protecting our family but for serving and defending our country. 

Post Mission

There is a little myth called pre- and post-mission crew rest.  It is intended to give those who leave time to rest and family time before a trip or deployment without having to take leave.  I say it is a myth because I don't think there has been a single deployment that we have received either one, let alone both. 

Pre-mission?  He was home for 10 days between training and deploying.  We spent 8 of that on vacation and the rest he spent at work.  I am not going to complain.  We had a great vacation and it was nice for both of us to walk away from life here and enjoy time as a family. 

Post-mission?  He took a week when he came home if you ignore that he did go in to file paper work and see what was going on.  Then he left again for a week in which the commander said for him to take the other week this week.  He called last week and asked if he could fly today so that he could "stay current."  Of course, I agreed to staying current.  Next I know flying today, turned into playing all day yesterday.  At work he got roped into flying Thur and an event that evening.  Which also means that he needs to brief on Wed.  So his lovely week off is now...just Friday.

I think I am going to start implementing currency requirements at home. 

Home!!

He made it home safely...and is gone again. 

Coming home: As soon as we pulled into the airport the kids almost immediately figured out what we were doing.  Within moments of being at the airport the welcome home committee was talking to us and I couldn't pull off trying to keep it a secret.  Then we waited and waited and waited.  The plane landed on time but the conveyor was broke and off loading the airplane and processing them through took way longer than I would have imagined.  While we waited, I was flooded with emotions.  I was excited to see him, nervous about what was going to happen, wondered how the kids were going to handle the transition, but mostly I wondered if I could do this again.  I know it isn't the last deployment and I wonder if it would be any easier if I knew how many more were to come.  But as we waited, the kids lost interested and were done.  By the time he walked through the doors the kids were laying down on the benches.  It wasn't exactly the picture perfect moment I had envisioned.  He was home and it was time to enjoy the day.

The rest of the week: Whenever he leaves I build up a wall and I feel like I go into defense mode.  I feel like I have to "be strong" for the kids and not show them the struggles.  As much as I would like it to, the wall doesn't fall down over night.  It is hard to go back to a "normal" life.  I struggled with the transition this time around.  I can't even pin point one thing that was wrong or what was so tough about it.  I loved having him home it was just different. 

Now: He left today for a week long conference.  As much as I would love to just have him home how could I not let him go?  What was the point of deploying if you can't come back and share with others what you learned?  I want him to make a difference and pass on his knowledge.  

I told him today, well, I didn't kill any plants or kids.  I guess that makes it a successful deployment. 

Excited

I am not quite to the point where I am counting the hours but time is getting closer.  It is getting SO hard to keep it a secret from the kids.  Every morning I wake the kids up, I want to tell them get up, we are one day closer to daddy coming home!  I have bit my tongue but more and more people are asking and it is getting harder.  Every time I turn around I feel like someone is going to spoil the surprise. 

I was sure that as soon as October hit they would ask continuously when was he coming home.  Maybe it is because my answer has been the same; sometime and I don't know yet.  I think they believe that I will tell them "as soon as I find out."  Oh, I so can't wait to see their face.  They will buy leaving for the weekend.  That is nothing new.  It is stopping at the airport that is going to be hard.  I plan on telling them we have a friend to pick up but I don't know how I am going to lie to them.  I know if I can pull it off it will all be worth it. 

As much as I am completely excited that he is coming home our good friends' dad is still deployed.  I know all the kids will understand but at the same time it is going to be hard on them.  We knew this time would come before they left but I still feel guilty.  I am hoping that having him home will give the kids some much needed male attention and make their remaining time go by a little easier. 

Mechanic

I did not sign up to be a car mechanic but it seems like this last six months I have done beyond my share of car maintenance.  When I took driver's ed in high school we had to change a tire, change the oil, and a few other routine maintenance tasks.  I remember thinking there is no way I will ever have to do this after this class.  With two older brothers and a boyfriend who could do it for me why would I do it?  Trust me, I have used my male resources to help me plenty of times but sometimes I have to put my big girl panties on and do it myself.   

Today, I had to change the brake light on my car.  Since I had already received a ticket over the weekend for the light being out, I couldn't get out of fixing it.  Something I haven't done before but like so many other things, he very kindly took the time to look up what light I needed and sent me directions and pictures of what to do.  I love no matter how simple something may be he is still there to help in any way that he can.  Yes, I could have done it on my own but it is nice to know I can still count on him even when he is thousands of miles away.  I have learned to do a few new things this time around still I am so ready for my mechanic to come home. 

Almost

We are almost to the end.  Still it feels like it will never come.  No matter how many times I have done this, the last month is always the hardest.  I am so ready for him to be home and for us to be a family again.  For once, I finally feel like we have a good routine going.  I don't feel like we are rushed to get out the door in the morning.  Kids get homework done nicely and to bed on time.  The week days run like clockwork and it is nice.  Still his presence is missing.  When we sit down for dinner as a family the table is unbalanced.  I miss his laughter in the evenings.  I wish I had an extra body to be divided for soccer games and activities.  It will be nice to have someone else do the dishes for a change.  I so can't wait till his is home. 

At the same time, I am nervous about how things will change.  He never comes home at the same time.  Work can be anywhere from a normal day to a twelve hour shift.  He is coming home for a week and then leaving again.   How is that going to change our routine?  How are the kids going to handle it?  Can we work around it just as efficiently?  Can I manage getting everyone out the door in the morning with him getting ready?  I know we will find our new balance and it will take time.  I just hope he is patient with me during that transition and I am just as patient. 

School

The lazy summer days have come to a screeching halt and the kids are back to school.  The craziness has returned stronger than before.   I know that I say that every year but this year is different.  I have been babied and up to this year, the kids have always had different schedules and I have managed to not have to get them out the door at the same time.   This year, their buses come within 5 minutes of each other.  I am so not a morning person and the thought of getting the kids ready to go and out the door in 45 min was scary.  Two weeks into it, we have been ready every morning with time to spare.  Let's hope the rest of the year goes this good. 

After school, it is non-stop with homework, soccer, scouts, games, and everything else in life.  It seems like from the time they step off the bus till they go to bed there is never a dull moment.  Those moments remind me of what I love about being a mom.  It is a craziness but I enjoy most every moment of it.  It is the hours between when they get on the bus and when they get off that I seem to be struggling with.  I can't think of a time in my life when I haven't had a defined role or job, till now.  Now that I have finished school, I don't know what to do during the day.  I have longed for the day I was done and could work on all those projects I haven't had time to get to.  That has been good but I still feel like part of me is missing.  I am completely lost.  It isn't really something I expected.  I think in the back of my mind there is a fear of what if this is all?  Can I be happy just being a stay-at-home mom?  I am hoping this is just a phase and I can move on. 

9/11

It has been 10 years since the world changed.  Today, I was watching a 9/11 special and there was a line that struck me.  The narrator said, I think we have forgotten about those who have to go on without those that were lost.  I agree with the statement completely but I also think in some ways we forget about those who sacrifice their life every day since then. 

I remember asking my husband that night 10 years ago what he thought how things were going to change.  At that moment, I don't think either one of us thought that we would still be fighting a war that in some ways has no end.  In the beginning, I had a hope that this fight would be similar to the invasion in 91.  After a few years, I began to accept the idea that this is what our life is going to be.  We will never go back to a "normal" life.  I can't tell you how things would have been if it hadn't happened.  I do know that it has taken him away from us more times than I can count.  As much as I think we have had it rough, I know it has hit others harder.  It has made me appreciate every day we have with him. 

A couple weeks ago, our oldest asked if I could explain to her what happened on 9/11 when she was ready.  Honestly, I have put off telling her.  She asked and I need to answer her.  But I don't know what all to tell her.  I don't want to scare her but how do I help her understand?  In years to come, she will put the pieces together of why her dad is gone.  The meantime, I want to keep them shielded as much as possible.  They need to be kids.  They don't need to worry about what has happened or things they can't control.  I don't want her to worry every time he leaves or make her fearful of everyday things. I pray I have the wisdom to answer her in an appropriate way and she comes to us for her questions in the future. 

10 years later, I still pray that he comes home safely.  I will never forget what happened that day, where I was, what happened in the days that followed, or how our lives have changed since. 

Irene

Maybe, it was watching Hurricane Katrina but I was a little worried about the Irene moving through our neck of the woods.  Coming from tornado country, I thought it would be something like an extended tornado with lightening, thunder, rain, and lots of wind.  I was expecting to lose trees behind our house, water in the streets, and a chaotic night.  Reality was far different.  That morning we woke up and the neighborhood had an eerie quietness.  All the outdoor furniture and vehicles had been put away.  Some people had left and others were inside.  The weather was calm and the sky was a flat gray.  As the rain started to fall we sent all the kids outside and let them burn off the pent-up energy.  They laughed, splashed, took pictures, and had a fun hour.  The innocence of child was seen in their eyes.  They had a vague idea of what was headed our way but for time being they were just kids playing in the rain.  After much debate on what exactly to do we decided to bunk with a neighbor just in case.  I was prepared for them to be scared and not wanting to go to bed instead they laid down easily and didn't even mention the storm. 

The rest of the night was a mixture of events.  I couldn't help but wonder how technology and the way we viewed life had drastically changed in the last few years.  We had the weather radio on but the majority of our information on the storm and what was happening was pulled from our the internet on our phones and facebook.  When the other half woke up he was able to give us a better update from his computer through text messages.  Knowing that he was a short message away helped to keep me calm.  Eventually, we nodded off to be awoken when the electricity flickered back on for a few minutes.  After checking on everything and the kids we settled back down till dawn. 

The next morning, the eye had moved through and for a while it was calm outside.  The kids went back out to play and we surveyed the lack of damage.  The power was still out but other than that we were fine and things couldn't have gone better.  Later that day, the tail of the hurricane moved through and the wind blew all day but the rain had stopped.  The kids were wild and I was exhausted.  I don't think it was the lack of power as more a desire to get back to everyday life.  I woke up the next morning and manage to shower in the dark.  To get out of the house and eat a real meal we spent the day at the zoo.  The distraction was great and we came home to power. 

In the end, we survived hurricane Irene.  I thing it provided some laughs for years to come and hopefully a positive memory for the kids. 

Prepared

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.  I have spent so much of the last eleven years preparing for something whether it was the birth of my children, the next pcs, upcoming school year, or a natural disaster.  Sometimes, I feel like we have been through every one there is.  We have been through tornadoes, earthquakes, volcanoes exploding, typhoons, windstorms, ice storms, and blizzards.  So far, I would say we have been lucky.  The longest we have lost power is about 12 hours.  But nonetheless I still prepare.  Today, I stocked up on some canned food, bought bottled water, and filled up both vehicles.  Tomorrow, I will rearrange the garage to fit all the patio and deck furniture in there.  There is a huge part of me that thinks nothing of the what is looming ahead.  It will probably be way less than I am envisioning.  Still I can't help but wonder, what if it isn't.

I realize this afternoon in the midst of being in a foul mood that I was lonely and nervous about what was to come.  It is one thing to brace for a storm knowing that he is by my side to take care of us.  In so many ways he is my protection.  I always think it is wise to bounce things off another adult.  Two sets of eyes on a problem is always better.  It is another to face it alone.  It won't be the first time but it is still scary.  I feel isolated from reality.  Most of what I have heard has been second hand and I am not sure if it has been twisted or not.  I don't care really about losing power (which will most likely happen) but what if I can't tell him we are ok?  I don't want him to worry and I don't want to lose contact.  Is it better to leave?  Then you battle traffic and finding some place to go.  Not to mention who knows when we will be able to come back and getting back may be more of a fight than it is worth.

I am comforted by the fact currently our neighbors are staying.  I know that we can team up if we need to.  We have survived lots of storms before and this will just be another one.   

Summer

We have about three weeks of summer left and I have to admit I am ready for it to be over.  I don't really wish for the kids to go back to school as much as I wish that we had some structure to the day and a break from each other.  It is currently raining outside (and not just a little rain, the quart mason jars on the back patio are half full) and the kids are parked in front of the tv, not dressed, and eating breakfast out of the bag on the couch and it is mid-morning.  All my parenting instincts tell me I should stop it but what are they to do right now?  How can I complain?  I still haven't gotten dressed.  They aren't fighting and it is some what quiet.

I feel like we have no structure to our day.  When the kids were little, I couldn't understand "those wives" who never fixed dinner when their husbands were gone.  How can you not?  The kids and you have to eat too.  How do you just not sit down and eat a proper meal?  It is part of the daily structure.  And for years, every night I fixed dinner and we have sat down and ate.  This summer has been a different story.  I have cooked way less than normal.  We have had a few proper meals but the majority has been either sandwiches or breakfast food.  When I do cook, I feel like the kids eat less when he is gone or maybe it is because he isn't here to make a dent in what I fix.  We are left then with lots of leftovers that none of us eat.  I LOVE that he eats my leftovers and without him, they just sit in the fridge till I can clean it out.  I try to plan meals around just what we can eat in one meal but that rarely works.  Instead, I find myself not cooking.  Which is sad because I love to cook especially for someone who appreciates a good meal instead of complaining that they don't like pork chops. 

4 Months Down

In some ways it seems like yesterday and others it feels like it has been years.  Another day down means a day closer to him being home. 

I remember after the oldest was born, I would talk to her all the time.  I would give her a running commentary of our life just so I had someone to talk to.  At first, it felt awkward talking to her while people looked at me funny in a store. I knew if I didn't I could go days without talking to anybody.  I longed for the day she could talk back and for a while she filled that void of having another adult present.  Yesterday, I was running errands with the kids.  I realized that I am back to talking to myself.  I talk but they don't have a clue what I said.  I love that they have each other to play with and hang out with, however, they are so consumed with each other that I am not even there.  I feel like the chauffeur of white noise.  There is constant chatter but none directed at me.  Maybe it has been like this for years now.  Maybe they are like this all the time but when he is home, I talk to him and don't realize they are doing it.  Without him, I feel like the majority of what I say to them is stop and don't ____ whatever that blank may be.  It is a lonely feeling. 

FINISHED!!

I am FINISHED!!  I finished up and submitted my final assignment yesterday.  How does it feel?  That is hard to say.  I feel like I should be excited but for some reason, I'm not.  I guess in some ways I feel let down.  I don't know.  It is hard to put into words.  I hate that he isn't here to celebrate with me.  He has been the only one who supported me through the entire process.  He didn't question why, just supported me.  It hasn't been easy.  I feel like I have spent the last four years trying to explain to people why.  It felt like so many people where against me.  I have heard so many times, you are crazy and I don't know why you are doing it.  Well, I am so glad I didn't need their support to do it.  I am proud that I didn't let them stop me.  I am proud that I didn't let deployments, moves, kids, and all the other obstacles stop me.  It could have been easy to give up.

I have been asked so many times in the last couple days, what is next?  I don't know.  I am nervous about what is ahead.  It isn't about the money, it never has been.  But, what if I don't find a job?  Can I be happy just being a mom again?  After going non-stop for so long, the idea of just staying home is appealing.  I worry if that will be enough, especially with the kids in school.  What am I going to do all day that is challenging?   


Right now, I am trying to enjoy the kids and the rest of the summer. 

Last week

Last week, FINALLY!!!!  No, he isn't coming even though that is the only way this week could be better but it is the last week of school.  The kids are counting the days.  They are more excited than the last week of their school.  But this also means it is finals week which is always stressful.  Four days and the to do list is fairly simple this time: 3 message boards, 1 quiz, 1 social responsibility assignment, 1 research power point, 1 final in management, 1 management assignment, and an extra credit assignment where I tracked how much time I spent in the class.  That leaves me with 9 items.  I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...

Golf

Dear grandpa, I have an kid that is totally into golf.  She could use some of your golf knowledge and wisdom. I can't say that I learned anything about the game during those many early trip to the golf course. But then again, they were never about golf. Miss you!

The oldest one had golf camp today and I can't help but think of my grandpa.  I spent the majority of my life about an hour away from both sets of grandparents.  My favorite memory is spending the mornings at the golf course with my grandpa.  He would go out at dawn and water the lawns and mow.  He would come home in the late morning, have lunch, and then return in the afternoon to play.  Being the oldest granddaughter, I believe I was the first one that got to go with him.  He let us drive the golf cart and then we could drive his truck home.  Even though he never said it, it was his bonding time with each of his granddaughters.  For that moment he made us all feel special and like we were his favorite.  As much as I wish I had that one last time with him on the golf course, I will never forget the moments we had.

Being in the military, many miles have divided us from any sort of family.  Even when we do travel to see them, none of them live close to each other.  It is completely different than how both of us were raised.  It is a rare moment to get one set of family together.  For better or worse, I know my kids won't have the same kind of relationship with their grandparents.  My hope is that they have their own sort of memories and bonding experiences.

The little one

The little one is a funny, out going, and very lovable kid, once you get to know her.  Getting to know her is the hard part.  To strangers she can be shy and reserved.  She doesn't open up as easily as the other one.  She has always tended to cling in new situations.  And once you get to know her you would never guess she could be shy.   
I think our last couple weeks of hectic lifestyle has caught up with her.  She cried everyday this week at camp even though she begged to go all week.  I couldn't blame it on a new environment because she knew everyone there.  That leaves myself to blame.  We have very little down time since school got out.  I feel like we bounce from one activity to another.  In one way it has been good, we have done lots and they have had a fun summer.  In other ways it has been hard.  We haven't spent much time as a family.  Our downtime, I have spent it working on school.  I have always had time for just the two of us but lately I haven't.
Tomorrow morning, I plan on taking her to breakfast.  I hope this little bit helps.  We have two weeks left and then our schedule should slow down.  My mom voice is screaming but I can't give up yet.  We will all pull through this. 

Not what I planned

I have three weeks of school left and I trying my hardest to hold on and make it through.  Yesterday morning I woke up stressed.  I had a mid-term that I needed to finish and two assignments that I had spent the majority of Friday working on and made no progress to finish as well.  After I got up, I got the kids breakfast, and jumped in the shower.  I came out and the little one (who was perfectly fine 10 minutes prior) was very dramatically throwing herself on my bed complaining of her stomach hurting.  I went downstairs to sit with her on the couch and get to work.  Hoping that if I rubbed her back she would calm down and everything would be better.  No sooner did I sit down she started to throw up all over the living room floor.  Of course they always happen to pick the time when the floor is in no way clean but it didn't get on anything else but the blanket.  I got her to the bathroom and started to clean up the mess.  I pulled out the steam cleaner, fill the basin with hot water, and started pouring in the cleaning solution.  About a cup into the solution, I realize that the plug was broke and now all of it is all over the counter and the floor.  Excellent, I needed something else to clean up. It took a while but I got it all cleaned up with the help from the neighbor's steam cleaner.  She settled down and watched tv for a while.  In a matter of hours she was back to bouncing off the walls and being her normal self. 
That afternoon, I took the kids to the pool since the oldest had a pool party to go to.  After a few hours we returned home, had dinner, and I sat back down to get to work.  I spent a few hours working when the laptop locked up.  It was 9 pm and I was two thirds of the way done.  I didn't really need anything else to go wrong during my day but it would have been too much to ask for the night to go right.  Finally, I redid the lost work and finished up about 11:15 for the mid-term that was due at midnight. 
I know I have abused the daylights out of my laptop.  I have had it for four years and it is on its last leg.  I am surprised it has lasted this long.  I am surprised I have lasted this long.  It has been exhausting but at the same time very much worth it.  If I can hold on for three more weeks, I will be done.  I am just hoping the laptop and the kids can hold on for the last three weeks too. 

Lazy summer days?

There has been nothing lazy about our summer so far.  The kids have had camp, vacation bible school, gymnastics camp, swim lessons, and birthday parties.  Then there has been bar-b-ques, sleep overs, movies, the pool, friends over, and me some how squeezing in school.  Through all of our madness, I miss him more than before.  I don't know if it is seeing families out walking and playing together or if it is because it has been three months already.  The last couple weeks he has been extremely busy as well and our communication has diminished. I feel like every time I turn around something reminds me of him and I wish he was here.  I didn't sign up to be a single parent. 

Holding them close

Last night as I was trying to fall asleep after a very long day, I got a text message from my sister.  Her nephew had lost his battle with cancer.  Instantly my heart broke into a thousand pieces.  I may have not known him beyond my sister but he touched my life.  As her sister, I cried for her.  I wanted to be there to let her know I cared.  I know the healing process if going to be difficult.  As a parent, I can't imagine anything worse.  I can't imagine having to say good-bye to your child.  The pain they have gone through and the pain that is to come.  The battle they have fought for the last five and half years is now over.  I don't know how you put the pieces of your life back together.  His little sister is only a few months older than my oldest, I can't imagine having to explain that to her.  As a parent, I know there are difficult moments and sometimes there are things that are hard to explain to your kids, but that shouldn't be one of them.

Today, I hold my kids a little closer.  I have been blessed beyond words with two amazing girls.  They have been a gift from above.  A gift I will cherish every day of my life. 

Busted

We are all humans and we make mistakes.  It is so much funnier when you get caught by your kids.  We set up email accounts for the kids so they could email him.  They have been emailing off and on and he is good about responding right away to their emails.  I, however, am not so good at having them check it and responding back.  Last night she checked her email and he hadn't responded so this is what she wrote:

Dad
I see nothing at all from you. I just don't get it. I emailed you on the Jun 19.

She follows that up with another email a minute later:

LOVE YOU

He was BUSTED!!  Needless to say, she had an email from him this morning. 

Camping

As a parent there are times it is difficult to stand back and watch your child go through sticky situations on their own.  It is hard to restrain from wanting to step in and take over.  Still it is important to let them try to figure it out and when they do, there is a sense of pride that we have done a good job preparing them for the situation. We spent a couple days camping with some friends at the beginning of the week.  I handed flat daddy to our youngest so I could take a picture of them together by the camp fire.  Our friend's daughter burst out and said, your daddy isn't real.  That isn't a real dad.  And she turned to her mom and asked her the same thing.  I wanted to jump in to her defense but instead I just wondered how the little one was going to handle the situation.  She simple said, no he is real.  He is our dad and this is what we have right now.

The next day, we were at the pool when I over heard the oldest trying to explain to a boy she was hanging out with that her dad was deployed.  He said, you mean he is dead?  She yelled, no he is deployed.  It means he is gone for 6 whole months!  She walked away.  In that moment, I realize how we have protected them.  Their entire world is the military.  Their friends, most of their school, everyone around us.  At such a young age it is hard for them to image it is a world that not everybody understands.  Not everyone's dad has had to leave, they don't move because of his job, and he gets to spend the weekends with them.  I wonder how they will look back on this experience.  Will they resent us for the decision that we made?  Is two loving parents who care about them enough to overcome him being gone?  Have we done everything we can?  Answers I won't know until it is too late.  

That evening we were sitting by the campfire and one of the kids asked, what time is it?  Someone responded with, it is 5:15.  The kids looked at each other and said, the National Anthem didn't play.

Beginning of Summer

Summer has officially started and so has the hard part.  It seems silly but it is actually easier during the school year.  As crazy as life is during that time, it gives us structure and something to look forward to, something to pass the time, take our minds of life.  Summer is filled with vacations, family time, picnic, neighborhood bar-b-ques.  All are reminders that he isn't home.  I look forward to the slower pace but without him to break-up our day or week I wonder if I can keep us all busy enough not to go crazy. 

Deployment Preparations

I will never claim to know what it is like to deploy or have an understanding of some of the conditions that we ask our soldiers to live in.  I came home from Christmas my freshman year of college and my brother had just returned from boot camp.  I woke up the next morning and found him in the basement sleeping on the floor.  The next night he claimed it was too quiet and dark to sleep.  As much as we joked with him, I think the transition can be difficult. 

No, I didn't write this.  But I still thought it was funny and I am sure it is more true than I realize.

How to Prepare for a Deployement
■Sleep on a cot in the garage.
■ Replace the garage door with a curtain.
■ Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife or girlfriend whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, "Sorry, wrong cot."
■ Renovate your bathroom. Hang a green plastic sheet down from the middle of your bathtub and move the shower head down to chest level. Keep four inches of soapy cold water on the floor. Stop cleaning the toilet and pee everywhere but in the toilet itself. Leave two to three sheets of toilet paper. Or for best effect, remove it altogether. For a more realistic deployed bathroom experience, stop using your bathroom and use a neighbor's. Choose a neighbor who lives at least a quarter mile away.
■ When you take showers, wear flip-flops and keep the lights off.
■ Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and dump dirt on your head.
■ Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it on "HIGH" for that tactical generator smell.
■ Don't watch TV except for movies in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.
■ Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day for proper noise level.
■ Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
■Once a week, blow compressed air up through your chimney making sure the wind carries the soot across and on to your neighbor's house. Laugh at him when he curses you.
■ Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub.
■ Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a saltine cracker.
■ Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator. Then serve some kind of meat in an unidentifiable sauce poured over noodles. Do this for every meal.
■Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get to the shower as fast as you can. Simulate there is no hot water by running out into your yard and breaking out the garden hose.
■ Once a month, take every major appliance completely apart and put it back together again.
■ Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for five or six hours before drinking.
■ Invite at least 185 people you don't really like because of their strange hygiene habits to come and visit for a couple of months. Exchange clothes with them.
■Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.
■ Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the sill every time you pass through one of them.
■ Keep a roll of toilet paper on your night stand and bring it to the bathroom with you. And bring your squart gun and a flashlight.
■ Go to the bathroom when you just have to pass gas, "just in case." Every time.
■ Announce to your family that they have mail, have them report to you as you stand outside your open garage door after supper and then say, "Sorry, it's for the other Smith."
■ Go to the worst crime-infested place you can find, go heavily armed, wearing a flak jacket and a Kevlar helmet. Set up shop in a tent in a vacant lot. Announce to the residents that you are there to help them.
■ Eat a single M&M every Sunday and convince yourself it's for Malaria.
■ Demand each family member be limited to 10 minutes per week for a morale phone call. Enforce this with your teenage daughter.
■Sandbag the floor of your car to protect from mine blasts and fragmentation.
■ While traveling down roads in your car, stop at each overpass and culvert and inspect them for remotely detonated explosives before proceeding.
■Drink your milk and sodas warm.
■Spread gravel throughout your house and yard.
■Make your children clear their Super Soakers in a clearing barrel you placed outside the front door before they come in.
■. Continuously ask your spouse to allow you to go buy an M-Gator.
■ When your 5-year-old asks for a stick of gum, have him find the exact stick and flavor he wants on the Internet and print out the web page. Type up a Form 9 and staple the web page to the back. Submit the paperwork to your spouse for processing. After two weeks, give your son the gum.
■ Wait for the coldest/ hottest day of the year and announce to your family that there will be no heat/air conditioning that day so you can perform much needed maintenance on the heater/ air conditioner. Tell them you are doing this so they won't get cold/ hot.
■ Just when you think you're ready to resume a normal life, order yourself to repeat this process for another six months to simulate the next deployment you've been ordered to support.

Girl Power

Somewhere between the first and second deployment, I started making him a list of things I wanted him to do when he returned home.  After a few trips, I quickly discovered if anything was going to get done, I had to do it myself.  It isn't that he didn't want to do them, he simple didn't have time.  I also realized that him working on the the to-do list just took away precious family time.  Slowly, I started doing them myself. 

This weekend, I was loading up the truck with our recent home improvement store purchases, when our oldest asked, "don't you wish dad was here to help you?"  Yes, absolutely!  I can't think of a single project that I have done that in the end I said, "man, I am glad I did that one on my own."  Not only is he a great help but he adds laughter and advise that I lack when I do it myself.  But after she was born, I vowed to teacher her independence and the strength to voyage life without a guy telling her what to do.  It isn't that I don't appreciate him being around and enjoy doing things with him.  I just don't want them to get a sense that I can't do something unless dad is home.  My life doesn't stop when he walks out the door.  I want them to see that just because I am a girl, that doesn't stop me.  It may take me a little longer than it would a guy but I can do it.  So now, I still make list for him but now it is a list of the things I want to do either with him or as a family when he comes home. 

Reasons why...

Reasons why I shouldn't drive his truck:

1.  I get road rage.  Really, Honda Fit, do you think you should pull out in front of me?  I am fairly certain if it came down to it, I would win.
2.  I am very much afraid that I am going to run over a little kid.  A back-up camera may be in need.
3.  I can never park in one parking spot.  Sometimes, it is a game to see just how many parking spots I can take up.   
4.  It is very difficult to load mulch in the back when where a white skirt.
5.  A smaller Dodge truck pulled up beside me today with its window down.  I almost yelled, "my husband's is bigger."

His truck

Yesterday, I was driving home when I turned the corner to our street and saw his truck in the driveway. My heart skipped a beat and for a moment I thought he was home. I was quickly jolted back to reality that I was the one who drove his truck and parked it in the driveway. He wasn't home and won't be for a while. I have to admit I was disappointed.

He sent me an email today about an assignment they are taking volunteers for. He wanted to know what I thought. As much as I am completely supportive and think this assignment would be good my heart still breaks. I know it will require traveling and him being gone. Staying here though means the same thing. I have accepted that part of the Air Force but I can't help but wonder will we ever get an assignment where he is home? There is a huge debate on which is easier a deployment where they are gone but you know what to expect or the constant coming and going where you don't know when they will be home or not. There is a flip side to that, I know that if he ever gets a job where he is home, it will be long hours and days. I wonder if I can do this for at least nine more years.

Trying to stay close

Tonight, I was uploading pictures of the kids' gymnastics show today. After sorting out the best pictures, I narrowed it done to only 47. I don't know what else to do. I can't change the fact he isn't here. All I can do is try to give him an idea of what we did. Yes, he knows the little one sticks her tongue out any time she is concentrating. Still it is so funny to see her flipping through the air with her tongue sticking out like a dog.

As much as there are times I wish he had to stay home with them and I could "skip town", I can't imagine leaving them for any real length of time. You can't get that time back. They change so much. I hope the pictures, emails, letters, video chats, and boxes from home help keep him close and try to make up a little for everything he has missed.

Melt Down

The house is on a verge of a melt down. Last night was give parents a break. For four and half hours the child development centers and youth center will take the children of deployed spouses off our hands, free of charge, twice a month (on set days). Last night, a friend and I dropped off our kids and spent the time enjoying a nice dinner and strolling Target. The downfall...we don't have to pick them up till 11 pm. Generally, my kids do awesome! The next day has never been an issue. Last night, however, was a different story. Our oldest decided she couldn't sleep and was in our room every fifteen minutes or so till 3 am. Finally, she fell asleep but was up at 6:30. I got her to stop whining and go back to sleep around 7. I slept for about 30 minutes or so after that.

Today, we had showers, school physicals at the clinic, a stop for donuts, grocery store for cupcakes, post office to mail a package to dad, bowling party, and a movie all before 4 pm. Considering the lack of sleep, they were doing fairly well. Leaving the grocery store, the oldest did say, "By the tone of your voice, I can tell you aren't very happy with us right now." I wasn't. I was cranky and there was too much to do. But we made it through...till the movies. Half way through, she flipped out. Tears started, she said something about being hungry and she hadn't eaten. I left her in the hall to cry it out. A lady stopped me and asked if she was my child. Yes, but I didn't know what else to do. I had four other kids in the theater all younger. After a few minutes, she some what calmed down and came back to join us.

From there, the down hill started. We got home to lots of fighting, picking at each other, and just them being kids but magnified. My patience is short, I am tired, and counting the hours till it is bed time. Meantime, I guess it is a glass of wine and duct tape.

Happy Anniversary

Two lives, two hearts
joined together in friendship
united forever in love.

Eleven years ago today, I married my best friend. I didn't grow up in a military family and had no what idea being a military wife was going to entail. All I knew was I loved him and I couldn't wait to start our life together. I was up for any adventure that the Air Force would throw our way. And what an adventure it has been! We have traveled the world, started a family, bought our first house, and moved across the country (a few times). We have had to say good-bye to friends as we have moved. Lost family and friends to tragedy. Watched our family and friends start their families. We have laughed together and cried together. There have been good times and times that were there to bring us closer together. The military has become our life and our friends have become family. We have spent much of our relationship and marriage apart but I wouldn't take back a day of those eleven years. I look forward to the future we have and the adventures we will experience. He is my best friend and I can't imagine going through this world without him holding my hand.

Root Canal

Nope, I didn't find my patience in the dentist office today.

Instead, I found my anxiety level was much higher than I thought it was. We will ignore the fact that I cried through the whole procedure. My mouth wouldn't go numb and I had this fear of extreme pain. (I have felt them drill out fillings before.) Eventually, it went numb and I didn't feel a thing. I guess, if it makes me feel better he did say that when he opened up the tooth it oozed out. He could only imagine how painful it has been. He tried to keep referring to it as a flight by saying things like "we have reached the cruising altitude of 34,000 feet and baggage claim can be found on your left." It might have been funny if I wasn't married to a pilot. Now, what do I get to look forward to? The healing process which it is normal to experience pain for "up to 10 days." I am so excited!! Then, the follow-up appointment to do the crown.

Memorial Day

This year Memorial Day celebrations were a little different. It started last week, with our youngest. She was selected to present the wreath for her school in the base's wreath ceremony. The ceremony last about two hours and was hotter than we all expected (for a morning event). After 3 service members passed out during it, I wasn't sure how she would hold up. Her instructions were simply to watch the other people and do the same thing. After over 40 wreaths, it was her turn and she did fantastic! As I parent, I was proud of her. Not only did she represent her school but the military itself.

Next, we joined hundreds of other scouts and their families to lay over 36,000 flags in the state's veteran's cemetery. It was such a moving experience. After the horns was blown and we could start, it was a matter of moments and you could look up and there was a see if flags. It was touching to watch such young kids thank those for their service. The lady who wiped away the headstone and started to cry. The living veterans who walked among those who have fallen. Our oldest who sang I am proud to be an American on the way back to the car.

We did the MIA and KIA walk/run to start off the weekend. I couldn't even begin to explain that one to the kids and was thankful they didn't ask. I don't want them to worry. I also know, they are reaching the age where they are starting to understand it is more than dad is gone. After, we attended a look parade and I would have to say, surprisingly, I think the first parade I have taken them to. It was fun to end on a positive note.

Throughout the events, I wished he was here. Words and even pictures don't describe what it was like. It was hard to be the one who's husband wasn't there. To answer their questions but my questions were left unanswered. He is the one I asked my silly questions to during events. Like why, do they do a certain thing during military events or why does every one in this section of the cemetery have the same end date? Maybe, next year he will be home for it.

At the beginning of the events, I explain to the kids what Memorial Day means. I simply said, it is to honor those who have fought for our country and lost our lives. Our youngest looked at me and said, it is just army guys though, right? It was hard to respond and tell her, no it is all branches. She looked at me and said, oh.

My patience is gone

I have lost my patience. It has been slowly leaving for the last couple days. The weather has gone from cool and rainy to hot and muggy in a matter of 24 hours. The last week has been incredibly busy. I wonder how I ever fit school into my schedule. I am freaking out that classes start back up in a week and I haven't even began to scratch the surface of what I wanted to accomplish in those 3 weeks. I still haven't managed to get the house clean yet or finished my service hours project for school so I finish my degree. But I believe what was remaining was lost somewhere between the nagging complaint that I hadn't bought ice cream sandwiches for school yet (for Tuesday) and a simple message from my husband. We had been texting each other for about 30 minutes where I explained my agenda for the day. I didn't return a message since I was at the kids' school playing mom and dad at Parent's Day. The next message said something about ignoring him. No, I wasn't. I was trying the best I could to be everywhere I needed to be today.

I feel guilty that I am unable to give him my undivided attention at some point during the day. I feel like our schedules don't mesh but I can't help but wonder if there is a "perfect" or even good part of my day that I can drop everything and devote it to him. I am blessed that we do get the chance to talk to each other in some form daily but it is still hard to make it all work. I know that I haven't shown his as much attention in the last couple days as I should. I feel pulled in a million directions and completely drained. Maybe, I will find my lost patience in the dentist office during the root canal.

Miss You

It has been 7 weeks since we said good-bye. We have hit that mark that separates a normal TDY from a deployment. I guess you could say we have settled into our new routine. However, no matter how long he is gone, I never get use to it. I miss waking up to him in the morning. I miss our lunch dates. I miss laughing with him. I miss having him just there to help. Sometimes, I feel like nothing has changed. Then there are those moments that I wonder how I can make it all work. Something as simple as a missing ingredient for dinner means loading everyone up and heading to the store for that one item. I can’t just call him and have him pick it up on his way home. Then there is the big things, like what am I going to do when I finally have this root canal done? There is no more, wait till dad gets home and he can take care of it. It is just me. I feel like a piece of me is missing. I have great friends who help fill the void. It isn’t the same as having him here but I forever grateful for their friendship. I have heard time and time again that it is harder to be the one who is left behind. I believe that there is some truth to that statement. It is hard to go on without him being here. At the same time, I believe that it is almost harder to be the one who leaves. Everything about his normal routine has been interrupted. Home cooked meals are a thing of the past. Then there is a different country and climate to get use to. As much as I don’t get a break from always being the only one, he doesn’t get a break from the continuous work and everything that being there entails. I can’t say that I have it any harder than he does. Each situation is unique. I know he misses us and being home. We miss him too.

Moms don't get sick

Mom's don't get sick. They just don't. They have super powers to protect them so they are always there when you need them. Pregnancies aside, last time I was throwing up sick, I was 13. That was until yesterday... I am still not exactly sure what happened. Was it the long walk/run in the morning? Was I just completely dehydrated? Did I just not eat enough before we headed out in the morning? Had my super powers finally ran out? It started with a headache that felt like it was going to turn into a migraine. By the time we got to lunch, I was shaking. I tried to eat a few bites and that didn't help. I got back in the car (so glad I wasn't driving) and prayed I would be able to make it home. Came close but no such luck. To make matters worse it was pouring down raining. The kids were due home in an hour and there was no way I could meet them at the bus. Thankfully, I have some awesome neighbors that I couldn't live without. And last night I needed them. Yes, the kids could have fended for themselves and been just fine. But the house wouldn't have been quiet. I probably wouldn't have slept. And who knows I might still be on the couch today. Instead I woke to a quiet house, cold ginger ale in the fridge, and saltine crackers on the counter. It was the test of a true friendship and I am glad to say they passed. Thank you!

Happy Monday

Today was my first day of really nothing pressing that needed to be done and no kids around. I finished classes up at then end of the week last week. And today I discovered that I make a really bad stay-at-home mom. Ok, I confess I knew that a while ago but today was confirmation of that. I had great intentions, I really did, they just didn't play out. You have seen the Vegas commercial where they guy steps out of his room to get something and ends up locked out of his room. On the way to get a new key he gets side tracked and ends up being gone the entire day only to get back to his room to discover he still didn't have a key. Yep, it was that kind of day.
Completely out of everything in the house, I needed to go to the commissary. I couldn't even try to make a haphazard lunch for the kids, so they ended up with hot lunch. That was my goal for the day. After I got the kids on the bus I took a walk, showered, ended up taking a nap, played a round of Wheel of Fortune on the DS, and finally got a round to making my list and headed off. On the way I wanted to check the availability at the spa. To my luck they had an opening so I spent the next hour relaxing with some hot stones. Now, the kids were to be home in an hour so back home I went still having nothing to eat in the house. Again, I could have been productive in the last 45 min but nope, I laid on the couch and read a book.
We ended up going after we had dinner (I froze some meals the week after he left). And to my surprise the kids were well behaved through the entire trip. We even manage to get everyone in bed on time and homework done. My husband has said from the beginning that he didn't care if I worked after I finished my degree. After today, I am sure he may change his mind. I am much more productive when I have lots going on.

Help!! I have fallen and I can't get up

If you don't see me at the bus stop in the morning it is because I am stuck to the every growing clear goo that was once my kitchen floor or I have tripped over the mound of toys in the living room and hit my head on the fireplace. I am in no way a neat freak but the clutter and mess is beyond out of control. I hope I can hold on 4 more days.

Sometimes, I ask why is he never home when my life is the most stressful? Finals week: 5 tests, 1 power point presentation, 1 lab write up, 4 evaluations, and 1 website update in 5 days. Then there is gymnastics, school book fair, a "family" project, spelling test, field trip, and I am sure I am forgetting something. When I went back to school one of my goals was to give my kids a strong role model for a mother, to teach them perseverance, to show them how to go for your dreams. Then there are moments like this, I wonder if they are learning anything or if they can understand the bigger picture of my life. I wonder if all they see is that the dishes get done when we are out of clean ones? Or am I teaching them procrastination because I waited to the last minute to do the family project. They have had a month to do it but there hasn't been a free moment in my life to help them with it. Do they see that I got five hours of sleep because I spent the day with them instead of working on a case study? That my sacrifice was to give them a better mom?

One of the projects that came home from school last week was titled, Favorites of My Mom, the end said:
Her favorite color is green.
Her favorite food is salad.
She likes to work on the computer.

Not always, but I am sure that is all they see at times.

A great mom!

Wake up sleepy head, it's time to get ready to go for the day

Don't worry, you've raised kids capable of getting breakfast without too much delay

You make them lunches with love instead of pawning them off on a lunchlady mess

With care, you make sure they even leave the house dressed (...appropriately....usually....)

Throughout the day you clean up the devastation that never ends

Then there's gymnamstics, and girl scouts, and neighborhood friends

Treats to the class, reading books everyone likes,

And who's to buy food, and dresses, and bikes?!?!

Sometimes you have to be both

unwielding and understanding, loving and fair,

the mom AND the dad when dad's not there.

and you do all of this and still make up their hair!

College classes and getting new glasses

Keeping them growing smart, healthy, and fit

If there's something you're missing, I can't find it.

You listen without judging, you really do care

Someone to talk to from no matter where

Yes, roses are red, and violets are blue,

but I don' t know where we'd be without all you do

You truely make our day, you form the bedrock of our family

You never give up, you always give back,

Our hearts are all yours, and yours is all ours,

You're the greatest mom in the world!!!

Love you kiddo,

Happy Mothers Day from a long ways away!

The note

There was an argument about cleaning their room and no, saying that you miss your Dad does not get you out of cleaning, I woke up yesterday morning to this note:

Dear Mom,

I know that it's that your by yourself and Dad's not with you. I know we have to listen to you a lot. I know that your trying to be nice. I know that it is hard Mom. I know that we miss Dad. Well I think I miss Dad the most. It's not really fun. We love you a lot. I love Dad.

Love,
your child

Struggles and Joys

The struggles...
One thing I love about our neighborhood, as long as it isn't pouring down rain, you will find the kids outside playing. We spend our evenings playing basketball, riding bikes and scooters, hula hoops, water gun fights, and anything that involves being active. The moms talk. The kids play. The dads relive their childhood days and try to outdo each other. We take up driveways, sidewalks, yards, and the street. There is tons of laughter and good times. Last night, we played outside like we have done so many times. Those are the moments I miss him the most. Last summer, he got the kids hooked on remote control airplanes and helicopters. They all wanted to know what he was building next and what he was flying. The loved to watch him and in turn he loved to "show off" for them. The laughter and good times are still there but the airplanes and helicopters aren't. The background noise is a little quieter. I miss watching him light up when the kids ask him questions about the airplanes. I miss watching him show the kids tricks. I miss his laughter on those lazy summer nights.

The joys...
Ok, so Skype doesn't work the way it does on Army Wives. Maybe it is because my husband isn't a General or maybe it is because that is the joys of tv. None the less Skype keeps us closer. I love watching the kids show off for him. They are just goofy. I love watching him laugh at them. We can see him and he can see us. It isn't perfect but it is better than it could be. Technology has changed come along way since we started our Air Force journey. It has helped us stay close and share our lives with him even when he is gone.

There once was a boy

He writes: So

I write: So....

There once was a boy who was lonely
He sat in his room and ate bologna

They shipped him half way across the world
To stare at a screen with a nerdold

He longed for some company
Instead he got frumpy

Each day he would wake to the dirt
It would stick to him so he couldn't flirt

Each night he tried to wash it away
Quickly it turned into clay

There once was a boy who was lonely
He sat in his room and ate bologna


I hope this lonely boy know how much we love him and miss him.

Goals

For me, I think it is a coping mechanism but I have to have goals while he is gone. My way of looking beyond him being gone and keeping me focused on something else. Each deployment, I pick one big "project" that I want to accomplish during that time. It pushes me to finish it before he returns so I can show him. This deployment, my goal is to finish my BS. I started it several years ago as a result of a deployment. During that time, I realized that in order to keep me sane, I had to do something for me. Yes, it took time and money away from my family but at the same time it gave me so much more. It made me a better mom and wife. I learned to let the little things slide and realized what was important in my life. I learned that I was so more capable of things than I ever thought was possible. I learned how to push myself, prioritize things, and persistence. I am glad that I learned to push through things and not let the bumps in Air Force life derail me from my goals and dreams. Yes, I would finish regardless if he was home or not. So I am not sure it makes for a great goal for this deployment. I guess I am still searching for that one big goal then.