4 Months Down

In some ways it seems like yesterday and others it feels like it has been years.  Another day down means a day closer to him being home. 

I remember after the oldest was born, I would talk to her all the time.  I would give her a running commentary of our life just so I had someone to talk to.  At first, it felt awkward talking to her while people looked at me funny in a store. I knew if I didn't I could go days without talking to anybody.  I longed for the day she could talk back and for a while she filled that void of having another adult present.  Yesterday, I was running errands with the kids.  I realized that I am back to talking to myself.  I talk but they don't have a clue what I said.  I love that they have each other to play with and hang out with, however, they are so consumed with each other that I am not even there.  I feel like the chauffeur of white noise.  There is constant chatter but none directed at me.  Maybe it has been like this for years now.  Maybe they are like this all the time but when he is home, I talk to him and don't realize they are doing it.  Without him, I feel like the majority of what I say to them is stop and don't ____ whatever that blank may be.  It is a lonely feeling.